An Angel's Secret Desire
by Dark-An9el
Summary: Castiel has returned after a long period of time away from the Winchesters, but has something very urgent to tell Dean. But how will Dean react to the 'not so happy' fact Castiel had to admit, will it all work out as planned when Castiel confesses to his feelings.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

There was no point in Castiel arguing with himself, he couldn't help it. After these past few weeks without seeing Dean at all, he felt a sense of an ever growing emptiness, and this had been getting gradually stronger the further away he was from him, and Castiel knew this longing was inevitable and uncontrollable.

It came to the point where he wanted to see Dean so badly it hurt, he was hurting deep inside, so intensely that this strange craving had made him lure himself to Dean, and before his pondering, confused thoughts of turning away from where he stood, which was currently outside the bathroom located in the scruffy hotel Dean was staying at. The sound of the shower through the opal tinted, tacky hotel door, gradually lowered and halted to a an almost silent trickle.

Panicked, Castiel gasped in alarm; scanning the unkempt room of which was temporarily Dean's with his hypnotic blue eyes, feeling stupid, he hid; taking refuge on the far side of the hotel room and stood in the cluttered wardrobe, feeling cramped and confined; not finding this remotely amusing in the slightest.

He started to pant frantically at the possibility of being seen or heard, but perhaps the image of Dean emerging from a hot shower flustered the fallen angel causing him to pant, after all, he was known for being curious and these thoughts where bound to have entered his mind at some point, seeing as this man was now the one and only thing that he could think about, and it had always been the highlight of his day dreams since the day they met.

"Hello?..." Dean said sternly in his strong, assertive, manly voice, causing Castiel to tremble slightly at the sound, knowing he must of heard him run off and was now aware that someone was in the room with him, or in Dean's experience "something" rather than someone.

As an awkward silence followed, Castiel cautiously tried not to make any sudden movements, even though deep down a part of him wanted to be found, especially if Dean was only wearing a loose towel; this pleased Castiel a little too much, as images started to appear in his mind, he knew he shouldn't feel this way towards Dean, but he couldn't control himself; it may of been portrayed as a sin to think of someone in such a manner; an image of Dean's exposed,perfectly toned, muscular body just absorbed his head with pure need; his desire for Dean was far from controllable; it was animalistic and ready to burst.

"Meh, nothing here... I guess?" Dean questioned sarcastically, causing Castiel's breathing to become increasingly lower and frantic, filling the wardrobe with his warm, lustful breath. He knew Dean wouldn't let this go, he would search out the entire hotel until he was satisfied, until he would eventually find the very aroused angel which Castiel guiltily accepted he was.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

He knew it would only be a matter of seconds until Dean would find him; aroused, fearful. Worried and waiting; quite a strange combination of feelings, but all were equally felt and Castiel knew that this situation had become more complex than he'd first imagined it to be; his heart rate had risen so much that the fragile angel's body began to shake; causing him to tense up from the dreadful thought of Dean's reaction when he would eventually find him; footsteps gradually approaching to where he was located, in the unventilated, stuffy wardrobe.

"I'm not in the mood for this!…There's a goddamn pie waiting for me, you know how I feel about pie right?" Dean shouted aggressively to the unknown creature; his deep voice echoing round the shady looking hotel room with a suspicious look upon his face, now standing directly outside the decaying doors to the wardrobe where Castiel crouched hopeless; afraid; feeling almost a hint of regret, that maybe in fact coming to visit Dean wasn't such a a good idea at all; if telling him how he really felt would hinder their already distant relationship and if it did how would he handle it.

"Show yourself!" Dean yelled, making Castiel tremble slightly as Dean was practically standing with him in the wardrobe at this point, as all that separated the two men were a pair of flimsy wooden doors, and Castiel knew that now was the time to show himself, whether he wanted to or not. He didn't want to separate Dean from his precious pie, which he knew Dean cherished; knowing the consequences could be fatal if anything stopped him from eating his favourite treat, even though Castiel himself wanted to be longed for;to be loved by Dean,not in the same sense as this, but in the sense of Dean wanting him to be truly his; he knew he would always protect Dean, and wanted to be with him for the rest of his life.

This was hard for Castiel to admit, after all, his life revolved around God's orders and it was his duty as an angel of the lord to do God's work, but what he came to confess to Dean wasn't exactly on today's list of orders; this just added to his ever growing list of disobedience and rebellion.

"I don't need this, I just wanna eat my goddamn...Cas?...What the hell are you doing here?" Dean questioned confused; his voice hesitant for the sight threw him, but his eyes were somewhat filled with relief and easement as without any further notice; Castiel had nonchalantly ascended from the congested wardrobe appearing quite flushed faced and bedraggled from crouching awkwardly in the heated, claustrophobic environment; now with a fixated gaze layed upon Dean's exposed chest; observing his flawless body gingerly with his flickering sensual eyes; his head tilted at an angle of which he was admiring Dean's appearance; his breathing heavy as the sight of Dean was overpowering for he had not seen him for what felt like decades.

"Dean...listen to me" Castiel sighed demandingly; as their eyes connected like they'd always done; a hidden longing emerged; their eyes locking in place feeling secretly devoted to each other.  
"Really Cas? ...Really? I mean, after all this time, I knew you'd show up eventually, but in a wardrobe? Seriously?" Chuckled Dean; focusing on Castiel, whom was still in a restless state. "One of the funniest places I've ever seen you turn up Cas" He announced.  
"I panicked... I'm still not used to these human greetings; you know how my "people skills" are and it appeared to be a bad time, I didn't want to intrude." He said gaspingly; glancing between Dean's eyes and his muscular body; unable to control where he wanted to look more as both were equally aesthetically pleasing.

"I was only taking a shower Cas, you could've sat down and waited for me to come out you know, it's what people do when they're waiting for someone, but then again you're not exactly classed as normal, are you? Oh and Cas... you realise you just ...erhm, came out the closet to me right? Ha! This is the highlight of my day... just wait till I tell Sam about this" Dean said; smirking at how awkward and uncomfortable Castiel had become as his bodily structure was distressed and tense.

Although he was doing his best to disguise it with bad, cruddy jokes and crude, barbaric insinuations Dean knew deep inside he enjoyed the feeling it gave him to see his nerdy angel again; he had missed his dark brown, messy hair, his beige flowing trench coat which he wore non stop, and those hypnotic blue eyes which always resulted in the men staring into each other's in awe; it only appeared to him now how much he really had missed him, how much it pained him when he had to leave; and how much it tore him apart when he did.

The truth was, Dean truly missed Castiel, and now that he'd returned, he felt complete once more.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The tension between the two men had risen considerably by now; seeming as if they were becoming slightly frustrated with one another; neither knew what to say, nor how to feel; who would willingly cave in and admit their skeptical but genuine feelings first.

"Look, Dean, now is not the time to joke around, as funny as it may seem to you I came here to see you, and only you...undoubtedly there is something I must confess, even though problems are occurring to me that I will regret this soon enough." He said frustratedly, stiffly detaching his flimsy, blue tie from the suffocating grip it held around his neck; beads of sweat forming, caused by the presence of Dean, who had still refused to put on a shirt or any type of clothing that may conceal his skin. He was tormenting the provoked angel into feeling this way; Dean knew what made him tick and would continue to slowly unravel him bit by bit.

"Cas, whatever you have to say, don't you think you should spit it out already? Come on, it can't be that bad! You may as well tell me anyway as your here, you're always so stubborn." Dean protested leaning against the wall; one muscular, robust arm out stretched above his head; narrowing and fixating his intrigued eyes on the tense man before him; forming a slight pout with his delicate full lips, while his other arm held the remainder of a can of luke warm beer that he'd opened a few hours ago and purposely shifted his baggy towel subtly so it sat lower around his waist line; almost revealing himself towards the other man as he nonchalantly sipped his beer teasingly, trying his hardest not to break into hysterics.

Of course Dean was doing this to taunt Castiel; he wanted to excite him; to make him crumble. After all, it wasn't that hard to get him all worked up and panicky, he was still an angel with little awareness of the human acceptances, such as, being a virgin can be highly amusing; especially if confessed to Dean Winchester, who would soon want to change that. But Castiel didn't mind whatever Dean told him, at least he was learning, and who better to teach him than Dean Winchester; the one he trusted more than anyone.

'I have to tell him, I have to tell him now before...before it's too late.' Castiel thought to himself; glancing outside through a crack in the tacky, grubby curtains to see the auburn sun gently descending ; kissing the lush grass as it settled.  
"Dean...I have to tell you now, so listen to me, because...after today, I won't have another chance." Castiel mumbled, switching his gaze from the window, to the grey, discoloured, carpet beneath his shuffling feet; refusing to look at him.

"What do you mean there won't be another chance? If you can't somehow tell me today…because your so stubborn, won't there be a next time? Because you always turn up whenever you please Cas...and, do you know how annoying that is?"  
"There won't be a next time Dean." he said, walking over to an ugly, patterned wooden chair; releasing a small sigh of agony as he perched himself upon it. "What?...What are you saying Cas?" A wave of astonishment and worry washed over him, leaving Dean feeling distressed. "Cas...are you ok?"

"I'm...I'm far from the term ok at the moment actually." Castiel murmured in his deep, husky voice; his eyes now appearing heavy; his overall posture seeming discomposed and unsteady; twitching slightly. "Why do this?" he questioned disturbed; his head tilted up towards the ceiling; his eyes dilated; bloodshot and weary as if he were talking to someone above him. In this case; God.

"Castiel, tell me." He said nervously; approaching Castiel by the chair he was currently occupying.  
"It's heaven,... heaven is the problem. I've disobeyed countless times, but now I've crossed the line. Dean...they want me dead, I'm sorry to say there's no avoiding this one; by tomorrow I won't be here...I won't be alive. They're going to kill me"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

'They're going to kill me'

Dean thought about these harsh, unthinkable words for a minute. They echoed throughout his worried mind; taunting him, forcing upon him the undeniable truth.

It seemed that the more Castiel told Dean about the unavoidable situation he'd found himself in, the weaker he became, as if heaven could hear every word spoken. "I'm so sorry Dean" he whimpered, clutching his shaken, trembling body, as he tumbled from the unsteady chair, to the grubby carpet beneath; too feeble to hold his fragile structure upright, an agonised groan escaping from his pale, quivering lips as he solidly crashed onto the floor, gazing up at Dean's saddened face; almost feeling guilty for how this was bound to affect him "I didn't want to die...without seeing you, Dean" he spluttered, gazing up at Dean's speechless face.

"Don't say your sorry, you've done nothing wrong!" Dean bellowed, trying to hold back threatening tears; staring at how much pain he was in, craving to hold him in his reassuring arms. "Cas, we'll find a way to get round this, we'll fix this!" he said; a single tear wistfully trickling down his check; searching into the fragile cerulean eyes of the 'dead man walking' before him; wet with tears.

Imagining Castiel like this ripped Dean to shreds, it pained him more than he could bare. A sudden outburst of emotion formed in the depths of his dismal soul, accepting to help in any way he could. He couldn't help but willingly rush towards his dying crush; falling to his knees, frantically shifting himself so he could delicately pull the terrified angel into his lap; cradling him softly while calmly talking to him in between sorrowful sniffs. "Cas..." he gulped; feeling Castiel's fingers intertwine with his own, firmly; frozen and in need of warmth and support.

"Yes Dean?" Castiel said, now perking up a bit-little; resting against Dean's cosy, comforting chest; clinging onto him firmly.

"What did you want to tell me in the end, what was the point in all of this?" he sniffed; an uneasy feeling coursing through his veins in anticipation of his reply; touselling his hair with his trembling fingers, soothingly stroking his soft, sweet face, emjoying the warmth and contentment he felt with him, trying to avoid the thought of what was to come; sick to his stomach with fear.

"Dean I-"  
"Quiet, Cas you need to rest, I don't want you to loose any more energy, try and get some sleep" he interrupted abruptly; a hint of panic in his aching voice at how quickly the one he adored was draining away.

Castiel wondered whether he should sleep or not. If he slept he may not be in as much pain, but he knew he would've wasted his last moments with Dean unconscious, but still he chose to do what Dean wanted for him; to rest.

I hope you don't mind me sleeping on your lap...Dean, I find it particularly comfortable here" He stated, glancing up at Dean yet again, whose face held an accepting smile.

"Of course you can Cas" Dean said contently, smiling down at him.  
Castiel nuzzled further into Dean's chest; embracing the moment he knew he would never have again with Dean, or in fact anyone of that matter, and gradually drifted to sleep, clutching onto Dean with the last fragment of life he had in him, because in Dean's arms, he felt safe.


	5. Chapter 5

'It's too late...' 'He's gone...'

Beads of sweat dripped down Dean's tortured face instantly as he awoke in a panic. "Shut up, you're wrong!" He bellowed in fear, as he tried to rid the taunting voices in his mind.

It was four in the morning, he had one hour left. He had to think fast. This one hour of his life was the most important and he needed to cherish every moment. He scanned the room in which he occupied and remembered. Everything came rushing back.

Everything around him had a greyish tinge to it. The walls, carpet, windows; everything. As if all life and colour had been sucked dry, left to look dismal and discomforting.

But there was one upside within the darkness.

It was Castiel.

There, the fragile, dieing angel lay in Dean's reassuring arms, taking slow gasps of air; weary head against Dean's comforting chest.

Seeing him like this was heart breaking, it made him feel physically sick. He had already lost far to many people in the past, some even recently and Castiel was far to precious to loose, to never see again, to mourn. But it was unavoidable. It was just a small amount of time before he was gone forever and this time he was not coming back.

Dean slowly transferred his gaze to Castiel; his face was extremely pale; worryingly pale, he looked dead already, it made his stomach churn inside, and a sickly shade of red liquid ran from his nose; trickling down his cracked, blue tainted lips, descending into his mouth.

His eyes then flickered open, his vision was blurred. "Dean?..."

"Yeah it's me, Cas." Dean gripped him tighter; pulling him closer to his chest; not wanting to let go; wanting to make the most of the last few minutes he had with him.

He stared into his perfect blue cerulean eyes, although they were dull, almost lifeless looking, they still appeared perfect to him, just like the rest of him.

He knew this would be the last time that his green/yellow coloured eyes would ever clash with his hypnotic blue ones.

'Dean, I'm sorry.' Cas said; eyes bloodshot and watery. Dean couldn't feel much warmth against him anymore, Castiel was slowly fading.

He glanced up at the tacky clock, hanging against the peeling, grey wall. It was now ten to five in the morning. Ten minutes left.

"No...No, not now please! I need more time!" Tears fell rapidly, he couldn't hold it in any longer, he shook and cried out even though there was nothing he could do; he couldn't protect him.

The sun outside was gently ascending bit by bit in rhythm with the clock ticking; with each tick of the clock drilling into his head every second was vital.

"I will hunt all of you down! You sick son of a bitch's. Why do this? What has he done wrong!" He wiped his face with the back of his hand then looked down at his Angel for the last time. "Cas, please. Please just tell me why they want you dead." He leant in and kissed the top of his forehead. "Please Cas."

Castiel strained his eyes open; a saddened tear escaped his eye. "It's because I fell in love with you Dean."

Castiel's eyes closed. His breathing came to a halt and at last his suffering remained no more.

Dean didn't know what to do with himself.

Spread across the hotel room was the imprint of Castiel's dark wings. He was dead.

'Cas...Cas No!' He shook Castiel frantically but it was no hope. He was gone.

Although his angel was gone forever, Dean was content that he had died in the arms of the one he loved. Just as Dean loved him just as much back.

He glanced over at the table and saw that his pie was still sitting there; cold, and making the room smell off putting and next to it seemed a piece of paper that had been placed next to it.

Dean precariously shifted Castiel out of his lap and placed him carefully on the couch, where he kissed his forehead once more, causing the outbreak of yet more tears. Then proceeded to see what the paper was.

The piece of paper read. 'To Dean' It was a note to him from Castiel.

Confused; Dean picked up the note and decided to read it.

_'Dean, I know that by the time you read this, I have passed on. I had discreetly placed this here when you did not notice. I am sorry if this caused a problem, I didn't know where else to place this note. I know you love pie, so I used this information to place it next to this specific treat you cherish, so you would eventually be able to read this later on._

_Heaven did in fact inform me that I had a choice. It was to either to have no more contact with you, and to then obey God like always. Or, I had the choice to carry on talking with you, where I would then be killed. This is because they knew how I felt about you, and sadly my feelings were not accepted._

_I chose you Dean. _

_I would've chosen you over anything._

_I've noticed since being here with you on earth, I have felt happier. I want to protect you and be by your side forever, but of course that isn't possible anymore. I hope you can proceed without me and that you and Sam can carry on as usual._

_I love you Dean Winchester_

_Goodbye._

Dean placed the note back on the table, and resisted against crying once more; this time a weak smile formed upon his face.

He glanced over at the pale body that was once Castiel; the sun shining on him through the grubby windows and let out a small sigh.

'I love you Cas'


End file.
